Reality Strikes

I've been struggling with weight for the past three and a half years.  Since I got married in September of 2011, I have gained 50 obnoxious pounds.  I went from a size 4 to a size 12 in pants, I went from a S/M in tops to a L/XL and I am now considered "obese".  There's a scary word- obese.  When I thought of the word, I thought of 300 lb. men and women.  I judged "fat" people.  I told myself it's their fault, they let themselves go.  They should've done something; they should've stopped going out to eat; they should've hit the gym.  What I didn't realize is "obesity" has to start somewhere.  Someone doesn't just all of a sudden become 300 lbs.  They start at a normal weight, then they become overweight, and over time they get to the point of obesity.  I am at that starting point.  I have gone from normal to overweight and now to obese.  It's a scary thought.  I never thought I would ever be one of those individuals that people consider "fat".  I was an overweight tween but that doesn't really count since your body is going through so many changes then anyway.  I weighed 110 lbs. in 6th grade and I graduated high school weighing 120.

In high school, I was very active in sports and extracurricular activities.  I ate whatever I wanted but it was in moderation because I came from a household where nutrition and health were a very high priority.  I thought my mom was so weird because she would exercise for 2 hours a day and eat bird seed for breakfast (aka nine grain).  I had those same standards then too and I was involved in soccer, basketball and track in their respective seasons.

When I went to college, all the healthy foods I was taught to eat went out the window.  I didn't grow up with "real" snacks- my snacks were carrots and berries.  I rarely drank soda and sugary drinks in the home, rather milk and water.  But in college, I had the freedom to choose my own groceries.  Eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.  I will admit, I did gain the freshman 15 that year.  I was better with my groceries my sophomore year but my junior year was very different.  I wanted to date all the "cute" boys and therefore, I had to look cute myself.  I would run 2 miles every morning and every other day I would swim a mile.  I got in wonderful shape and I weighed about 130 lbs.  I was toned and I felt really good about myself.  I wore cute, form fitting clothes and I loved my body and myself.

I met my wonderful husband that year.  We had so much fun together while dating and I was beyond thrilled when that handsome man asked me to marry him.  We got married on September 29, 2011 and it was the best day of my life up to that point (every day has gotten better and better since then with him :).  I wore a beautiful, full dress, size 4.  I didn't get married in my wedding dress, I got married in my temple dress which I was excited for since I would be able to wear that dress over and over again with my husband in the temple.

Three months into our marriage, there began to be a change in my body.  I didn't watch what I ate and I didn't have the desire to exercise.  I was married, I already caught my man, why bother exercising now?!  I wish I had a different point of view then.  Once I started gaining weight, it began getting harder and harder to stop.  My eating habits worsened and exercising became obsolete.  A year into our marriage I couldn't fit into my temple dress anymore (and until that point the dress had become suupppeerr tight).  My simple and elegant marriage dress now sits in the back of my closet and hasn't been touched in years.  I have to rent dresses when I go to the temple now and it's so unfortunate I can't wear my own.

So I have been depressed and disappointed about my figure and body for years now.  I was super creative and made a New Year's resolution to lose weight this year (just like everyone else in the world).  I have made this resolution before because I have been depressed about it but didn't really do anything about it, thinking the weight would just "walk" off.  This year is different.  This year I am going to make the change and do something about my body and take accountability for it.

So why now?

The company I had been working for for two years went bankrupt last summer and I was forced to find a new job.  The greatest perk about this job was that there was no real dress code.  I could literally go to work in anything I wanted.  I am embarrassed to say this, but I did go to work some days in a hoodie and sweatpants (in my defense we were a 5k mud run company and we were encouraged to wear company merchandise and my hoodie and sweats were company merchandise so.....).  Since I was continually putting on weight I slowly grew too big for my wardrobe and instead of wearing cute, form fitting tops like I used to, I began wearing t-shirts and sports bras.  It is what I felt comfortable in.  They hid my growing stomach and the sleeves covered my flabby arms.

I loved my dress code because it didn't hold me accountable for my health and figure.  Unfortunately, my company went bankrupt and I was forced to find a new career.  That new career came 5 months later when I was hired by Utah Valley University as an administrative assistant in the Utah Valley Fire and Rescue Academy.  I started in December and I knew I was going to have to start dressing up for work.  No more jeans and t-shirts.  I would now have to wear button downs and slacks.  This was extremely depressing to me because I didn't have many nice clothes that fit me.

My supportive sister, Cami, took me shopping when I visited her late last summer.  She knew that I was depressed about my figure and she told me that I can't feel good about myself if I didn't try to make myself look beautiful.  She said that starts with wearing clothes that make you feel good.  She bought me a few outfits (even after I objected- many times).  She told me she put on some weight as well after her beautiful baby, Calvin, was born and she didn't feel good about her body sometimes either.  She told me how hard it is to lose weight and it doesn't come overnight, so get some nice clothes that fit you now, and you can feel good about yourself while you start to shed those extra pounds.  It was extremely supportive and kind of her and it really did make me feel better.  However, a few new outfits won't pass for a new wardrobe.

A friend of mine, Ashla, gave me some old clothes of hers when she moved and that helped quite a bit as well.  So luckily, I haven't had to spend much money on a new wardrobe, but I would like to be able to wear my old one again.

Recently I have began to see hurtful signs of my body becoming obese.  Some signs I can't take back and will now haunt me forever.  Since I gained so much weight, I now have unattractive stretch marks on my stomach, my sides, my legs and even slightly on my arms.  I am disappointed in myself that I let this happen.  I know that I will probably get some of them anyway when I have kids, but I now have many and I can never get rid of them completely.  They will always be a part of me- those scars of carelessness and laziness.

I also have noticed I have small back rolls.  This is something I would love live without.  I don't want to be self-conscious in a swimsuit and I don't want to be paranoid and wonder if people can see them through my shirt.

The worst hurtful sign is after taking a Clinical Health Risk Assessment, I am at high risk of high blood pressure and stroke due to my weight.  These are items that I never want to be concerned about, especially at the age of 24.  It opened my eyes that I need to make a serious change or I will seriously do some harm to myself that I will pay for later.

The future?

I've decided I need to make the change.  I started to make that change in January with my New Year's resolution.  I began going to the gym everyday and doing 30 minutes (3 miles) on the elliptical and mid February I began doing weights for an additional 30 minutes.  I didn't change my diet at all and after checking the scale 3 weeks ago, I had gained 10 lbs. since I started.  I was furious.  I had been doing all this work and the result I got was gaining an additional 10 lbs in 2 months??  When it took me 3.5 years to gain 40??  It was a depressing and frustrating day.  I got discouraged but I kept going because I liked how I felt afterward my workouts- refreshed, strong and accomplished.  I didn't and still don't understand when I gained the additional 10 lbs.  I know losing weight is mostly about what you eat and even though I didn't change my diet when I started exercising, I felt that I should at least lose a little bit.  Rather I gained a bunch.  I went from doing nothing to exercising hard for a hour a day and I still gain weight?  It just wasn't fair.  I know that muscle weighs more than fat but there's no way I gained that much muscle in 2 months, plus, my clothes don't feel or look any looser.

So since that isn't working, I've decided to try something else.  My sister bought a weight lose program for me in October that I didn't really give a try.  It's called 21 Day Fix.  This program isn't about "dieting", it's about eating right.  They really emphasize healthy eating is about eating the right portion sizes.  They send you containers for each food group that you fill and once you've filled them, that's all the product of that food group you can eat that day.  So I can eat whatever I want, I just need to make sure they fit in my containers.  They also send you a healthy shake mix, Shakeology, which I've been making green smoothies with for lunch every day since January.  They also have a 30 minute work out that you do every day as well.  You do this for 3 weeks and hopefully it makes you aware of portion sizes and you can change your eating habits for life- that's what I plan to do.  So with eating the right portion sizes and doing these workouts, I hope to see the results I'm looking for.

I am also coupling the 21 Day Fix (portion sizes, 30 minute workouts and Shakeology) with a few other things to help me get faster results.  Cami challenged me to an app called Couch25k.  It's an app that trains you be able to run a 5k from not running at all.  It's an 8 week program and I'm on my second week.  I actually already feel stronger and like I can run further.  It's great!  I hope in 2 months I'll be ready to run a 5k!

My mom also bought me a Fitbit One two Christmas's ago.  At first I was offended by it.  It is a device that counts your steps throughout the day.  I figured it was another ploy for me to lose weight (at that time I was in the denial stage and would get mad at anyone who made comments to me about losing weight and exercising).  I didn't really use it much until September of last year where I realized how awesome it was!  My goal was to get 10,000 steps every day and get 10 flights of stairs in.  It was a great motivator for me.  I didn't hit my goals everyday, but I sure would stay up late to get those steps in if I was in the 9,000 step range.  I lost my Fitbit in December and contacted Fitbit to see if they would be able to locate it for me.  They weren't able to because my battery had died on it and they sent me a replacement, absolutely FREE!  It was the best customer service ever!  I was so devastated when I lost it and was so excited when I saw my new free one in the mail.  I actually exchanged it and paid the difference for the new Charge HR.  This wristwatch Fitbit is awesome and it keeps track of my heart rate so I know when I am in the "Cardio" or "Peak" HR zone.  I still try and get my 10,000 steps in everyday and I was able to convince Cami to get one last week as well so now I can compete with her to see who gets the most steps.  And who doesn't want to win competitions?!  So that really motivates me to exercise as well.

My in-laws also challenged all us kids to go off soda this year as well.  I was overly eager to take on this challenge because not only is soda extremely bad for you, but they are also bribing us with $100 reward each if we do it.  Jeff and I are still going strong.  Thank goodness there's lemonade! ;)

My dad in past years also challenged me that for every 10 lbs I lost, I would get a $100 incentive.  I should see if that offer still stands ;).  My cousin Christina is also trying to lose some baby weight so we can be supports to each other as well.  I have had much support already on this journey from loved ones,  Even though some may not know it, they have all encouraged me to better myself.  My husband is the most supportive.  He tells me no matter what, I will always be beautiful for him.  That is extremely sweet to hear, but I want to make him proud of me and I want to be the wife he deserves.  Instead of moping and being depressed about how I look and feel, I want to be excited and therefore be a better and happier partner in our marriage.

Stats

So in case you have been wondering, my New Year's resolution was to lose weight and that exact amount is 50 lbs.  I want to be able to fit into my wedding and temple dress again by the end of the year.  I want to weigh and look like I did 3.5 years ago at my wedding.

I'm embarrassed to put these pictures and stats up but I feel by making them known, it will hold me accountable for what I have done to myself.  I will be more motivated to change them because I'm not focusing on the current numbers, I am focusing on what they will be.  I've tried to lose weight many ways, but I feel by posting what my goals are and what my current and weight goal is, I will be letting people down who are counting on me if I don't accomplish them.  And since others can see my journey, I will be accountable for the results.  It will be a long journey, but I know I can do it.

Today's weigh in: 180 lbs.
Waist: 38.5 inches
Chest- 39 inches
Waist- 46 inches
Thighs- 28.25
Arm- 14.5 inches
Pants- size 12
Shirt- L/XL                                                                                  

Why Do Bad Things Happen To Good People?

My sisters story inspired me to start a blog.  She has always told me I need to have my own blog- how else could people know all about my life?  Well, this one's for you Cami.

I have not been able to sleep tonight because I have been crying and thinking about my sisters situation.  I just thought about my little nephew and how much he has gone through in his short 7 weeks of life.  Ever since he was in the womb at about 25 weeks, he has been pricked with needles, cut open and sewn back together numerous times in numerous locations on his body and has undergone multiple severe and complex surgeries ranging from in the womb surgery due to his Arnold-Chari malformation to brain surgery and installing a shunt from his brain down to his stomach.

These past few days have been extremely difficult for my family, especially my sister and her husband.  These past few days have made all the others seem like a walk in the park.  Calvin stopped breathing two days ago and my sister was forced to perform mouth to mouth on her precious little baby to revive him.  She brought him back and he has been in the ICU ever since with a tube down his throat acting as a substitute for his lungs.  They've tried taking out his tubes on numerous occasions hoping he would be strong enough to have the energy to breath on his own, but every time it ends in failure and Calvin starts to turn blue.

I was thinking of what my sister must possibly be going through and feeling.  I'm not a mother myself yet, but I can only imagine the pain, anguish and sorrow she must be feeling watching helplessly as her sons undergoes test after test with doctors telling her results are inconclusive and when and how he will recover.  I ache for her and sincerly wish I could take away that sorrow and anguish.  I felt a glimpse of how the Savior felt when he wanted to take all the pain and sorrow away from all his brothers and sisters.  Because of that tremendous love, he atoned for us and because of that atonement, we can feel comfort, peace and hope in times of great sorrow.  I wish for my sister and her husband to feel that hope.  I hope for them to be at peace and to have hope that their beautiful, precious son will recover quickly. I wish they can have the hope to know they can hold their son again without being in a hospital with him hooked up to machines.  I pray for them to have hope that one day, their son will be able to walk and tell tell them how grateful he is for their love and dedication to him.

I have always looked up to my big sister and there were even times in my youth when I wished I could've been her.  Nothing has changed in how I view my sister now.  At this time, I have never been more proud to have a big sister who shows such love and courage in such a horrific circumstance.  She has had quite a few tough patches these past couple months- it seems like she's constantly getting kicked down but she is trying to get back up after every trial and obstacle she faces.  She is dealing with the situation as best she can and she is staying strong for Calvin, for Nate and for the rest of us.

I have been asking myself a lot lately, "Why Cami?  Why does she have to endure all these trials?  Why does she have to have all these bad things happen to her?  Why can't she catch a break?"  I then remember that the Lord will never give us anything we can't handle.  Cami has never given up and she is one of the strongest women I know, she can overcome these trials because she is strong even in the worst of circumstances.  

I haven't been able to talk to my sister these past couple days, even though I have tried to call to give her my inexperienced, naive advice of how to deal with the situation.  I just want her to know that I support her and that I love her so much.  I am praying for her son to breath on his own and open his eyes and give her a reassuring smile that says, "Mom, I'm gonna be just fine.  Thank you for staying by my side.  I love you."  Stay strong Cami, you are truly an inspiring woman and we are all praying for you and Calvin.